Friday, December 19, 2008

Military Jokes

Communication Breakdown...
The reason the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines squabble among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For example, take a simple phrase like, "Secure the building."
The Army will put guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Air Force will take out a 5-year lease with an option to buy.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and make it a command post.

"crap": Through the Eyes of the Military
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is 'crap'."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good 'crap'."
A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, "This is really great 'crap'."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this 'crap'."
An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of "crap" is this?"

Jeep in the mud
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

A Boy Named Sue
A guy was telling about this girl Sue who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
"But, wait a minute," said his friend, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the guy.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The guy shrugged. "Who's gonna tell?"

Shave and a haircut
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Military Truisms
"Aim towards the Enemy." [Instruction printed on US rocket launcher]
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend. [From a US Field Manual]
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
If your attack is going too well, you are walking into an ambush.
If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.
Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Tracers work both ways.
Friendly fire isn't.
Five second fuses only last three seconds.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
If you can see the enemy, he can see you.
And never tell your Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

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