Monday, November 30, 2009

Arrangements

As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the family
discusses funeral arrangements. Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big
thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos."

Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll
have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us."

They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll
surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."

Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet,
that's enough."

Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the
bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."

Driving Through Texas

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state
trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the
driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head
with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over,
you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around
here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger
side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and
the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna
say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Funny Photos





World Most Complicated Railway Track

Vista Error Message

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want
to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type
mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the
universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port
not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press
any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot
Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the
cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417 A:32CF:
Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY
one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup...
PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found:
Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
Evidence Nuker Software will permanently delete
everything you want erased.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Inheritance Joke

The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”

Smart Crow

Thursday, November 19, 2009

4 Ways to Create the Relationship You Want

Get to know your spouse better by switching roles for a day. Your relationship will improve If you build a healthy love relationship from the very start, you're less likely to run into roadblocks later on.

Here's expert advice for "starting as you mean to go'and if you're already in dire straights, stick around! You can rebuild a rocky relationship.


1. Talk Turkey
"When my husband and I had friends over for our first Thanksgiving, I thought he would carve the turkey at the table like my dad did, says marriage therapist Vee Alexander. "And, he expected me to slice it up in the kitchen like his mom did! To start strong, Alexander recommends discussing each other's family traditions and deciding which ones you'll adopt.


2. Explain Why
"When you make your first major decisions together, share why you want what you want, says psychologist and decision coach Jennifer Halpern. "Don't just declare a position. For example, she recommends saying, "I love swimming, sunshine, and sand, so I'd prefer the Bahamas, instead of "Our honeymoon has to be on a beach! Explaining why creates a healthy decision-making pattern by revealing your needs and preferences'and this not only makes communication smoother but increases your understanding of each other, says Halpern.


3. Avoid Family Feuds
Right from the beginning, be open about how often you'll see your families. "New couples often don't want to pick on their in-laws, but it's important to be honest about the amount of time you want to spend together, says relationship expert Doree Lewak. She recommends discussing the frequency and length of your relatives' visits upfront.


4. Embrace Your Differences
"Your spouse's endearing quirks will become irritating if you don't accept'and maybe even forgive' them, says Alexander. "To build a strong marriage, welcome the fact that your partner sees things differently, reacts differently, and has different thoughts and feelings than you.


3 Tips for Rebuilding Rocky Relationships

Notice what works: "Recall when you've successfully changed things with your partner in the past, says relationship coach Paulette Sherman, author of Dating From the Inside Out. "Did your mate respond when you spoke calmly, made a direct request, or offered a big hug? To stabilize a rocky relationship, Sherman suggests focusing on the communication style that works best for your partner.

Switch roles: If you're struggling with how each other makes decisions, Halpern suggests switching styles for a day. "For example, visit the grocery store together and deliberately make choices the way the other usually does, she says. "Not only will you likely start laughing, you'll also learn how each other thinks. Even if your decision-making styles don't change, your acceptance of each other may increase.

Restructure if necessary: "Neither of you are exactly the same person as when you married – and you need to accept that, says Sheryl Kurland, author of Everlasting Matrimony: Pearls Of Wisdom From Couples Married 50 Years Or More. "Experiences and events have changed you both. Your marriage, like a faltering business, has to be restructured to meet each other's needs today. Kurland advises against trying to recapture what once was. Instead, focus on what is.

Corporate Vision

Monday, November 16, 2009

10 Basic Principles of a Photographer

Man who took the hands of the camera, not just learn to get great photos, most often obtained lovers to press the button on the principle of "maybe will cool picture. Photographs - the most complicated science, which is important not only the technical side of things, are very important as the psychological, biological and philosophical aspects. In this article will be discussed is about the last mentioned points, which allow the ordinary man to become a good photographer, which is "the heart feels" great shot.Of course, in the present photographic technique has reached very high altitudes, there are many tools that allow us to find a profitable exposure, light level, but it means nothing if people will mindlessly clicking on a button appendage of the camera. Everything should be the opposite - the camera should be a tool in the hands of man, but in this case, you can get a shot, hitting all around. Otherwise, the picture we can get, and from a technical point of view, it will be correct. But the "soul" in a purely technical picture will not be.

Principle 1. Think about the brain



Always try to think about that before you is, from the standpoint of the spectator, the person who will then assess you received frame. The fact that the camera works quite differently, as your eyes - what you see before you, and what you see on the imagery in this place - totally different things.

It this is so because from birth we get used to his body - to how to work the legs, arms, eyes. We do not think about where to look at the moment - everything happens automatically. But when a man the first time takes the camera, it becomes clear that a photograph, which will impress the other person, it is very difficult. We just are not accustomed to the camera, maybe we know how it works, but do not feel it. Good photos can be obtained only when your hands, eyes, in themselves and the camera will provide a coherent whole.

In order to become a good photographer, you need to make a huge step forward - philosophical (yes) to rethink the principle of the camera and then, what images it can help to get. A good photo should "talk" with the audience, provoke emotions, make us think.


Principle 2. Exhibit their works for show



In the 19 - early 20 th century all the way "human art" were in Paris. A huge number of museums, exhibitions, shops open even before the young artists and photographers opportunities. Ability to "light up" - perhaps one of the most important in the life of art. Suppose you're a genius whose talent exceeds all artists and photographers present and past time - until your job somebody did not see or be interested in it, and you will remain in obscurity.
So, once you learn how to take pictures, feel the strength, the use of the opportunities that gives us the modern world - we, of course, talking about the Internet. Flickr, DevianArt, Flickr, DevianArt, other resources - they all help photographers and artists exhibit their work, become more or less known. It is only then will the official exhibitions and visits to events - first should try to become famous in their virtual environment.


Principle 3. Getting rid of my toy camera



Look how gorgeous your little camera, which is the last word in the world of high technology! As many as 10 megapixels? And in his pocket climbs and you can take pictures!

In general, no matter how nice this camera is no matter, get rid of it - give it to their children, give them a relative or just sell.

Your camera must have one, a tool for professionals. Let them first you do not know most of the functions that are available in the camera for pros, but learn to work to have a professional tool. Yes, it's expensive, yes, these cameras are not very convenient, because their sizes are so large. But the fact is that so many professional tool can become a professional.


Principle 4. Tripod required



What, you do not want to pull for a tripod? Well, you do not 9 years old, and a tripod is not too heavy ...

In general, if you want to get great shots, you should get professional tripod for professional cameras. This is especially important if you want to embodied on film the sunset or sunrise - only a tripod will give you the correct position of the camera, no image stabilizer, smoothing the effect of "shaking hands" will not help if you want a really good shot.


Principle 5. Recognize Impressionism



In order to get good pictures, you can just learn the techniques of photography. But in order to capture beautiful, amazing images, we should also examine the work of artists such as Monet, Renoir, Degas. All of them have become famous thanks to techniques of painting, which was invented by themselves. Bright colors, unusual perspective - all this has made them known (of course, the main reason - the talent, ability for hard work, but still).Try it and you feel like the Impressionists, receiving frames with perhaps a little exaggerated bright palette, interesting angles. The main thing in impressionism, and in almost every genre of painting - to force the viewer to think, to reach his thoughts, sometimes even subconscious.

Try to use elements of impressionism in their works - and you will understand how these pictures will be different from the usual photos.


Principle 6.HDR Do not forget about HDR



HDR? What is HDR? High Dynamic Range. This stands for, as High Dynamic Range. Outwardly, it looks like a bright, juicy picture. For beginners seldom get a good photograph HDR - usually results in something very bright, surreal, and look at that scary. In order to get a good picture of this type, you need to practice for a long time, choosing the right settings - of course, essential that the resulting photo in the first place whether you like yourself. Adobe Photoshop. Many, many photographers for the final guidance on photo gloss using the software, in most cases it is Adobe Photoshop.
Otherwise, not now - sometimes obtained simply great photos with little izyanom, who is recovering with the help of computer technology. In general, do not forget about the HDR, nor about the software.


Principle 7. Take your camera with a



The best photos are usually obtained not when you're a "hunt" for a good shot, but when you yourself are not expecting to come across something that, being pictured in the film looks simply delicious. The accident on the street, sleeping on the way a cat, a beautiful girl, who stands out from the crowd mime - all this can be seen almost every day (well, depending on where you live, of course), and that is why my cell is to wear everywhere with him. Looking for an opportunity to make at least one photo a day. Never mind that it will be important, that it was creative and original.


Principle 8. Be a little kid



In order to become really good master, you must be a little child, easily passing the line between reality and fantasy. Only people with rich inner world of artistic imagination, can see something extraordinary in the ordinary moments of our lives, and, remembering all that time on film, hitting all.

Learn to dream, and not particularly think about, where is the line between reality and fiction - in the flight of thought need not always rationalism and common sense. Robot can be set in the program all the necessary data for correct exposure, the camera angle, all the technical stuff. But the robot will never (at least in the near future), will not be able to make artistic picture, and not to capture a piece of dismal reality.


Principle 9. Learn to draw



"What?" Where am I going to these stupid time? "Why?" - Exclaim in surprise the reader. In fact, if you really want to develop the artist within, to nurture the wizard, you have to learn to paint. Photoshop, I do not mean the graphics editor and Photoshop, although it is also necessary - no, an ordinary pencil and paper.
Once you learn to draw, the world opens on the other, unexpected side - in fact it turns out, every thing, every person has a face, which we did not notice until now.


Principle 10. Make mistakes



Yes, do not be afraid of mistakes, make them as much as possible. The more mistakes you make, the better become a master - it is generally recognized fact. Ask other people appreciate your work, try to make their photos to the public (whether in reality or on the web). Criticism - an important factor in establishing a professional, so do not particularly upset if someone "blow" your work to shreds.