Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Wise Cracks

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness.... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
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May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using it in a fruit salad.

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