Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Musician Joke

Music To My Ears
I was a percussion major when I was in college, and during a
rehearsal of the student orchestra, my section kept making
“When you’re too dumb to play anything,” the professor
conducting us sneered, “they give you a couple of sticks,
put you in the back, and call you a percussionist.”
A friend next to me whispered, “And if you’re too dumb to
hang on to both sticks, they take one away, put you in the
front, and call you a conductor.”


A new patient was being examined by a doctor. According to her
husband, she seemed to be suffering from amnesia. The doctor
turned to her and asked, “Have you ever had this before?”

Funny Christmas Jokes

The Christmas that [Bill] O’Reilly and his allies are promoting,
one closely aligned with retailers, with a smack-down attitude
toward non-observers – fits with their campaign to make America
more like a theocracy, with Christian displays on public property
and Christian prayer in public schools. It does not, however,
appear to be catching on with the public. That may be because
most Americans do not recognize this commercialized, mean-
spirited Christmas as their own. Of course, it’s not even clear
the campaign’s leaders really believe in it. Just a few days ago,
Fox News’s online store was promoting its “Holiday Collection”
for shoppers. Among the items offered to put under a “holiday
tree” was “The O’Reilly Factor Holiday Ornament.” After the
bloggers pointed this out, Fox changed the “holidays” to “Christmases.”

John Lennon & Yoko Ono

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let’s stop all the fight

And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so happy Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

“When a big corporation cuts thousands of jobs in order
to maximize share prices, or dump poisons into the water
table and kills people, it’s just the invisible hand of the
marketplace…. But when a big corporation decides to say
“Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas!” in order
to keep their non-Christian customers, WHOA! the knives
come out, the disingenuous whining from a privileged
majority starts and it’s deemed PERSECUTION.”

If you want to hear “Merry Christmas,” why not visit
a church instead of a store?

Monday, December 28, 2009

An old Italian Mafia Don

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.

"Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me".

"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead".

"You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'TIMES UP'"?

How do i get home?

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Never Been with a woman

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to
marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful
years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up
corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the
bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom,
she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all
the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a
kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

The Change

A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help
me. Every time I go to the bathroom, dimes come out!" The doctor tells her to
relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.

A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten
worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, quarters come out!! What's wrong with me?"
Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and
come back in a week.

Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm
still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, half-dollars
come out! What the heck is wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Relax, Relax, you're just going through your change!

Monday, December 21, 2009

I don’t like the looks of your wife…

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like
the looks of your wife.” “Me neither doc,” said the husband, “But she’s a
great cook and really good with the kids.”

Why it’s nice to be a dog…

No one expects you to take a bath every day.
Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
If it itches, you can reach it.
And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in
You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap
Having big feet is considered an asset.
If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
No matter where you live, you own the place.
Your mate never complains because you whine.
Puppy love can last.

Monday, December 7, 2009


Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his
name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady
came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a
conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open,
and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe
broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and
said, "Let's go to my apartment,
I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door
and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off
completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you
say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's
got to be your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at
these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work
out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my
skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best
part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you
said you heard someone coming...That was me."

Kiss per Yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Old Lady Chocolate & Almonds

A tour bus driver is driving a bus full of seniors down the highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx. 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and gives him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

On the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth. They are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks, puzzled.

Thoughtfully, the old lady answers: "We just love the chocolate around them."

At dawn the telephone rings

"Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


An elderly couple, living apart, had been dating for several years. One
day Elmer said to Betsy, "We should stop this nonsense. We are paying
two rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate food and cooking
separate meals. We should just move in together.

Betsy: Whose house would we live in?

Elmer: Mine, it is already paid for.

Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on?

Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine.

Betsy: Who would do the cooking?

Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes.

Betsy: What about sex?

Elmer: Infrequently.

Betsy: Is that one word or two?


A guy goes to a tattoo parlor and asks how much it would cost to get a
picture tattooed on his ****.

The artist tells him it will cost $1000.

So the client hands him a $100 bill and says "OK. Please tattoo a picture
of this $100 bill on my ****."

"OK" says the artist. Then, out of curiousity, he asks the guy "But why do
you want a picture of a $100 bill tattooed on to you ****?"

The client says "Never mind. Just do it, please."

Now even more curious, the artist then says "OK, I'll tell you what ...
I'll do the tattoo for you and you can keep your $1000, if you'll just tell me why
you want a tattoo of a $100 bill on your ****."

Accepting the offer, the client tells him "OK. here's why:
1) I like playing with my money
2) I like watching my money grow.
3) The next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay at home and do

Monday, November 30, 2009


As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the family
discusses funeral arrangements. Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big
thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos."

Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll
have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us."

They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll
surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."

Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet,
that's enough."

Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the
bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."

Driving Through Texas

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the
driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head
with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over,
you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger
side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and
the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna
say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Funny Photos

World Most Complicated Railway Track

Vista Error Message

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want
to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type
mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the
universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port
not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press
any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot
Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the
cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417 A:32CF:
Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY
one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup...
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found:
Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
Evidence Nuker Software will permanently delete
everything you want erased.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Inheritance Joke

The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”

Smart Crow

Thursday, November 19, 2009

4 Ways to Create the Relationship You Want

Get to know your spouse better by switching roles for a day. Your relationship will improve If you build a healthy love relationship from the very start, you're less likely to run into roadblocks later on.

Here's expert advice for "starting as you mean to go'and if you're already in dire straights, stick around! You can rebuild a rocky relationship.

1. Talk Turkey
"When my husband and I had friends over for our first Thanksgiving, I thought he would carve the turkey at the table like my dad did, says marriage therapist Vee Alexander. "And, he expected me to slice it up in the kitchen like his mom did! To start strong, Alexander recommends discussing each other's family traditions and deciding which ones you'll adopt.

2. Explain Why
"When you make your first major decisions together, share why you want what you want, says psychologist and decision coach Jennifer Halpern. "Don't just declare a position. For example, she recommends saying, "I love swimming, sunshine, and sand, so I'd prefer the Bahamas, instead of "Our honeymoon has to be on a beach! Explaining why creates a healthy decision-making pattern by revealing your needs and preferences'and this not only makes communication smoother but increases your understanding of each other, says Halpern.

3. Avoid Family Feuds
Right from the beginning, be open about how often you'll see your families. "New couples often don't want to pick on their in-laws, but it's important to be honest about the amount of time you want to spend together, says relationship expert Doree Lewak. She recommends discussing the frequency and length of your relatives' visits upfront.

4. Embrace Your Differences
"Your spouse's endearing quirks will become irritating if you don't accept'and maybe even forgive' them, says Alexander. "To build a strong marriage, welcome the fact that your partner sees things differently, reacts differently, and has different thoughts and feelings than you.

3 Tips for Rebuilding Rocky Relationships

Notice what works: "Recall when you've successfully changed things with your partner in the past, says relationship coach Paulette Sherman, author of Dating From the Inside Out. "Did your mate respond when you spoke calmly, made a direct request, or offered a big hug? To stabilize a rocky relationship, Sherman suggests focusing on the communication style that works best for your partner.

Switch roles: If you're struggling with how each other makes decisions, Halpern suggests switching styles for a day. "For example, visit the grocery store together and deliberately make choices the way the other usually does, she says. "Not only will you likely start laughing, you'll also learn how each other thinks. Even if your decision-making styles don't change, your acceptance of each other may increase.

Restructure if necessary: "Neither of you are exactly the same person as when you married – and you need to accept that, says Sheryl Kurland, author of Everlasting Matrimony: Pearls Of Wisdom From Couples Married 50 Years Or More. "Experiences and events have changed you both. Your marriage, like a faltering business, has to be restructured to meet each other's needs today. Kurland advises against trying to recapture what once was. Instead, focus on what is.

Corporate Vision

Monday, November 16, 2009

10 Basic Principles of a Photographer

Man who took the hands of the camera, not just learn to get great photos, most often obtained lovers to press the button on the principle of "maybe will cool picture. Photographs - the most complicated science, which is important not only the technical side of things, are very important as the psychological, biological and philosophical aspects. In this article will be discussed is about the last mentioned points, which allow the ordinary man to become a good photographer, which is "the heart feels" great shot.Of course, in the present photographic technique has reached very high altitudes, there are many tools that allow us to find a profitable exposure, light level, but it means nothing if people will mindlessly clicking on a button appendage of the camera. Everything should be the opposite - the camera should be a tool in the hands of man, but in this case, you can get a shot, hitting all around. Otherwise, the picture we can get, and from a technical point of view, it will be correct. But the "soul" in a purely technical picture will not be.

Principle 1. Think about the brain

Always try to think about that before you is, from the standpoint of the spectator, the person who will then assess you received frame. The fact that the camera works quite differently, as your eyes - what you see before you, and what you see on the imagery in this place - totally different things.

It this is so because from birth we get used to his body - to how to work the legs, arms, eyes. We do not think about where to look at the moment - everything happens automatically. But when a man the first time takes the camera, it becomes clear that a photograph, which will impress the other person, it is very difficult. We just are not accustomed to the camera, maybe we know how it works, but do not feel it. Good photos can be obtained only when your hands, eyes, in themselves and the camera will provide a coherent whole.

In order to become a good photographer, you need to make a huge step forward - philosophical (yes) to rethink the principle of the camera and then, what images it can help to get. A good photo should "talk" with the audience, provoke emotions, make us think.

Principle 2. Exhibit their works for show

In the 19 - early 20 th century all the way "human art" were in Paris. A huge number of museums, exhibitions, shops open even before the young artists and photographers opportunities. Ability to "light up" - perhaps one of the most important in the life of art. Suppose you're a genius whose talent exceeds all artists and photographers present and past time - until your job somebody did not see or be interested in it, and you will remain in obscurity.
So, once you learn how to take pictures, feel the strength, the use of the opportunities that gives us the modern world - we, of course, talking about the Internet. Flickr, DevianArt, Flickr, DevianArt, other resources - they all help photographers and artists exhibit their work, become more or less known. It is only then will the official exhibitions and visits to events - first should try to become famous in their virtual environment.

Principle 3. Getting rid of my toy camera

Look how gorgeous your little camera, which is the last word in the world of high technology! As many as 10 megapixels? And in his pocket climbs and you can take pictures!

In general, no matter how nice this camera is no matter, get rid of it - give it to their children, give them a relative or just sell.

Your camera must have one, a tool for professionals. Let them first you do not know most of the functions that are available in the camera for pros, but learn to work to have a professional tool. Yes, it's expensive, yes, these cameras are not very convenient, because their sizes are so large. But the fact is that so many professional tool can become a professional.

Principle 4. Tripod required

What, you do not want to pull for a tripod? Well, you do not 9 years old, and a tripod is not too heavy ...

In general, if you want to get great shots, you should get professional tripod for professional cameras. This is especially important if you want to embodied on film the sunset or sunrise - only a tripod will give you the correct position of the camera, no image stabilizer, smoothing the effect of "shaking hands" will not help if you want a really good shot.

Principle 5. Recognize Impressionism

In order to get good pictures, you can just learn the techniques of photography. But in order to capture beautiful, amazing images, we should also examine the work of artists such as Monet, Renoir, Degas. All of them have become famous thanks to techniques of painting, which was invented by themselves. Bright colors, unusual perspective - all this has made them known (of course, the main reason - the talent, ability for hard work, but still).Try it and you feel like the Impressionists, receiving frames with perhaps a little exaggerated bright palette, interesting angles. The main thing in impressionism, and in almost every genre of painting - to force the viewer to think, to reach his thoughts, sometimes even subconscious.

Try to use elements of impressionism in their works - and you will understand how these pictures will be different from the usual photos.

Principle 6.HDR Do not forget about HDR

HDR? What is HDR? High Dynamic Range. This stands for, as High Dynamic Range. Outwardly, it looks like a bright, juicy picture. For beginners seldom get a good photograph HDR - usually results in something very bright, surreal, and look at that scary. In order to get a good picture of this type, you need to practice for a long time, choosing the right settings - of course, essential that the resulting photo in the first place whether you like yourself. Adobe Photoshop. Many, many photographers for the final guidance on photo gloss using the software, in most cases it is Adobe Photoshop.
Otherwise, not now - sometimes obtained simply great photos with little izyanom, who is recovering with the help of computer technology. In general, do not forget about the HDR, nor about the software.

Principle 7. Take your camera with a

The best photos are usually obtained not when you're a "hunt" for a good shot, but when you yourself are not expecting to come across something that, being pictured in the film looks simply delicious. The accident on the street, sleeping on the way a cat, a beautiful girl, who stands out from the crowd mime - all this can be seen almost every day (well, depending on where you live, of course), and that is why my cell is to wear everywhere with him. Looking for an opportunity to make at least one photo a day. Never mind that it will be important, that it was creative and original.

Principle 8. Be a little kid

In order to become really good master, you must be a little child, easily passing the line between reality and fantasy. Only people with rich inner world of artistic imagination, can see something extraordinary in the ordinary moments of our lives, and, remembering all that time on film, hitting all.

Learn to dream, and not particularly think about, where is the line between reality and fiction - in the flight of thought need not always rationalism and common sense. Robot can be set in the program all the necessary data for correct exposure, the camera angle, all the technical stuff. But the robot will never (at least in the near future), will not be able to make artistic picture, and not to capture a piece of dismal reality.

Principle 9. Learn to draw

"What?" Where am I going to these stupid time? "Why?" - Exclaim in surprise the reader. In fact, if you really want to develop the artist within, to nurture the wizard, you have to learn to paint. Photoshop, I do not mean the graphics editor and Photoshop, although it is also necessary - no, an ordinary pencil and paper.
Once you learn to draw, the world opens on the other, unexpected side - in fact it turns out, every thing, every person has a face, which we did not notice until now.

Principle 10. Make mistakes

Yes, do not be afraid of mistakes, make them as much as possible. The more mistakes you make, the better become a master - it is generally recognized fact. Ask other people appreciate your work, try to make their photos to the public (whether in reality or on the web). Criticism - an important factor in establishing a professional, so do not particularly upset if someone "blow" your work to shreds.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Tips for Heart Attack

The Chinese and Japanese drink hot tea with their meals, not cold water, maybe it is time we adopt their drinking habit while eating. 中國人和日本人吃飯的時候喝熱茶,而不是喝冰開水, 我們應該學習中國人和日本人的飲食習慣。 It is nice to have a cup of cold drink after a meal.. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed. It will slow down the digestion. Once this 'sludge' reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal. 吃過飯之後喝一杯冰冷的飲料的確很舒服,然而, 冷開水會使你剛剛吃下肚的 油膩膩的食物凝結在一起,而且會使胃腸的消化作用變慢, 一旦這一大坨像爛 泥的東西碰到胃酸,就會分解而很快地被腸子吸引,它會附著在腸壁上, 沒多 久它就會變成脂肪,而導致癌症,所以說,吃過飯之後最好還是喝一碗熱湯或 一杯溫開水。 Common Symptoms Of Heart Attack... 心臟病發作的一般徵兆 A serious note about heart attacks! -! You should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting . Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line . 請你特別注意:並不是所有心臟病發作的時候都會左臂疼痛, 你倒是要留意你頸項的劇烈疼痛。 You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack. Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms. 60% of people who have a heart attack while they are as lee p do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound s lee p. Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know, the better chance we could survive. 心臟病發作的時候不一定會胸口疼痛,而噁心和猛烈的盜汗 才是心臟病發作時常見的徵候,有60%的心臟病在睡夢中發作 而患者因此一覺不醒,頸項疼痛常常會把你從熟睡中醒過來, 所以要特別小心,我們懂得越多,活命的機會就越大。 A cardiologist says if everyone who reads this message sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life. Read this & send to a friend. 一位心臟病專科醫生說,如果每一個讀到這個資訊的人都把它 轉寄給十個朋友,至少可以救活一個人,所以,請你仔細閱讀 並且把它轉寄給你的朋友! 分享:【靜思語】 原諒別人,就是善待自己。 別人罵我,不諒解我,毀謗我,我反而應興起一分感恩的心理,感謝他們給我修行的境界。 感恩更祝福您!

Crystal Reflections Wallpapers

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

5 DON'TS when you are sleeping

1 - DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health.

2 - DON'T SLEEP WITH BRAScientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it.

3 - DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONEPutting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mo! bile phone near you, switch it off first.

4 - DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UPPeople who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.Lastly.....

5 - DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE / HUSBANDYou may never wake up again. :

Monday, October 12, 2009

Dad at the Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green,

red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look

and find dad staring at him every time. ;

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,

'What's the matter old man, never done anything

wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would

not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one,

and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son.


A scruffy young man was questioned by one of New York's finest for peddling dirty pictures. "But you're mistaken," said the kid. "These pictures aren't dirty."
Selecting one, the policeman said, "Do you mean to tell me this isn't a dirty picture?"
The young man responded, "Don't be such a prude, officer! Haven't you ever seen five people in love?"

Friday, October 9, 2009

Driving Through Texas

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the
driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head
with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over,
you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger
side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and
the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna
say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A young naval student

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

People You Meet - Quotes

Many people will walk in and out of your life,
but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
God gives every bird its food,
But He does not throw it into its nest.
He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses more;
He who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are acts of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
The tongue weighs practically nothing,
But so few people can hold it.
Friends, you and me....
you brought another friend...
and then there were 3...
we started our group...
Our circle of friends...
and like that circle...
there is no beginning or end..

[Author unknown]

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Daddy is going to war

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war.

During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.

We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza."

Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."

Monday, September 28, 2009

Expiration Dates

Find out when common food, drinks, & household items expire.

4 to 5 weeks
1 to 2 days
4 to 6 months
Ground Meat
1 to 2 days
3 to 4 months
1 to 2 days
12 months
3 to 5 days
6 to 8 months
Canned Tuna
1 year
Canned Tuna (opened)
3 to 4 days

3 to 6 months
Cottage Cheese
2 weeks
Grated Parmesan
12 months
Swiss Cheese
3 to 6 months
Processed American
8 months
Chocolate Bar
1 year
Marshmallows (opened)
40 weeks
Marshmallows (unopened)
3 months

Shelf Life
3 to 6 months
Plain Bread
2 weeks
12 months
Instant Cereal
2 to 3 months
24 months
White Rice
24 months
Brown Rice
6 months

Shelf Life
3 to 6 days
6 months
2 weeks
4 weeks
Maraschino Cherries
3 to 4 years
Green Olives (jarred & unopened)
3 years
Green Olives (jarred & opened)
3 months
Pickles (unopened)
18 months
Pickles (opened)
n/a (do not eat if slippery or soft)

Yellow Mustard
6 to 8 months
24 months
3 to 4 months
Jams & Jellies
18 months
Salad Dressings
3 months
Brown Sugar
4 months
never expires
Maple Syrup
1 year
Olive Oil
2 years from manufacture date
Steak Sauce
33 months (color affected but still safe to eat)
Tabasco Sauce
5 years
Soy Sauce (Bottled)
2 years
Soy Sauce (opened)
3 months (taste changes but still safe to eat)
42 months
Worcestershire Sauce
2 years (5 to 10 years if unopened)

Ground Coffee (unopened)
2 years
Ground Coffee (opened)
1 month, refrigerated
Gourmet Coffee beans
3 weeks
Gourmet Coffee ground
1 week if sealed
Instant Coffee (unopened)
2 years
Instant Coffee (opened)
1 month
Unopened Soda (plastic bottle)
3 months (from 'best by' date)
Opened Soda (plastic bottle)
doesn't spoil (but taste is affected)
Unopened Juice Bottle
8 months from production date
Opened Juice Bottle
7 to 10 days
Wine (unopened)
3 years from vintage date
Wine (opened)
1 week refrigerated and corked
Fine Wine
20 to 100 years

Bar Soap
18 to 36 months
Bath Gel (Body Wash)
3 years
Bath Oil
1 year
Body Bleaches (unopened)
2 years
Body Bleaches (used)
6 months
Body Lotion
3 years
Eye Cream (unopened)
3 years
Eye Cream (opened)
1 year
Face Lotion
3 years
Face Lotion with SPF
check the expiration date

Aerosol Air Freshener
2 years
Antifreeze (premixed)
1 to 5 years
Antifreeze (concentrate)
never expires
Alkaline Batteries
7 years
Lithium Batteries
10 years
3 to 6 months
Dish Detergent (liquid or powder)
1 year
Fire Extinguisher
12 years
Fire Extinguisher (rechargeable)
service/replace every 6 years
Metal Polish
3 years
Miracle Gro
3 to 8 years
Miracle Gro (water-soluble)
never expires
Motor Oil
2 to 5 years
Motor Oil (opened)
3 months
Mr. Clean
2 years
Paint (unopened)
about 10 years
Paint (opened)
2 to 5 years
Spray Paint
2 to 3 years
2 years
Wood Polish
2 years
Foundation (water-based)
3 years
Foundation (oil-based)
2 years
Hair Gel
2 to 3 years
Hair Spray
2 to 3 years
Lip Balm (unopened)
5 years
Lip Balm (opened)
1 to 5 years
2 years
Mascara (unopened)
2 years
Mascara (opened)
3 to 4 months
3 years from manufacture date
Nail Polish
1 year
Nail Polish Remover
never expires
1 to 2 years
Rubbing Alcohol
about 3 years
2 to 3 years
Shaving Cream
2 years
Tooth Whitening Strips
13 months
Moist Wipes (unopened)
2 years
Moist Wipes (opened)
until completely dry

Frozen Dinners
12 to 18 months
Ground Coffee (opened)
1 month, refrigerated
Gourmet Coffee beans
3 weeks
Gourmet Coffee ground
1 week if sealed
Instant Coffee (unopened)
2 years
Instant Coffee (opened)
1 month
Frozen Vegetables (unopened)
18 to 24 months
Frozen Vegetables (opened)
1 month
Peanuts (unopened)
1 to 2 years
Peanuts (opened)
1 to 2 weeks
Peanut Butter (natural)
2 years
Peanut Butter (processed)
6 months (refrigerate after 3 mo.)
Protein Bars
10 to 12 months
Tea Bags
2 years