Thursday, April 30, 2009

Think on the Good

Golfer in Heaven

An avid golfer dies and goes to heaven. He is met by St. Peter who tells him, "Welcome to Heaven. I know you will be pleased to know that this is the best golf course in the universe!" The man's eyes turn cloudy.
St. Peter says, "And the weather here is always good." A tear begins to form in the man's eye.

St. Peter says, "And there is never any lines of people when you want to golf." A tear starts dropping from the man's other eye.

St. Peter hurriedly says, "And your drives go at least 50 yards further up here." The man is now sniffling.

St. Peter then says, "And you will never have more than two puts on any of the greens." The man is now sobbing uncontrollably.

St. Peter asks, "Hey, what is the matter with you? I thought you would be overjoyed. Why the tears?"

The man answers, "If my wife had not fed me all those healthy food, I would have been here five years earlier!"

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Amusing quotes about parenting

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

"There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it." -- Chinese Proverb

Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.

I love to give homemade gifts...which one of my kids do you want?

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.

Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Question & Answer - Funny

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's exam results
These are genuine responses from 16year olds!

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts, the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand it's meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head.

Love U

Monday, April 27, 2009

C Stand for...

A patron in a Montreal café turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.
“This is an outrage,” he complained. “The faucet marked C gave me boiling water.”
“But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal.”
“Wait a minute.” Roared the patron. “The other tap is also marked C.”
“Of course,” said the manager. “It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city”

Fishing in Nigeria

Designer Soap

Friday, April 24, 2009

Love Greetings

Condom for .....(( funny))

Betty & Myrtle were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. Betty pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Myrtle: What's that?
Betty: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Myrtle: Where did you get it?
Betty: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Myrtle hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers......

Myrtle: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel. The pharmacist fainted

Thursday, April 23, 2009

New Supermarket

A new supermarket opened in Tampa, Florida. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of morning breakfast cooking..

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

..... I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

How sexy is your name?

Lets play and have fun!
Add the letters in your first name using the numbers below And Write it at the bottom!

* Under 60 points = not too sexy
* From 61-300 points = pretty sexy
* Between 301 and 599 points = VERY sexxxxy!!!
* Over 600 points = beyond very very verrrrry sexy!!!!

A=100 B=14 C=9 D=28 E=145 F=12 G=3 H=10 I=200 J=100 K=114 L=100 M=25 N=450 O=80 P=2 Q=12 R=400 S=113 T=405 U=11 V=10 W=10 X=3 Y=210 Z=23

Turn Over

The nigh before her wedding the mother takes her daughter aside. “Now, look,” she tells her daughter “Men are a little strange sometimes. If he ever tells you to turn over, I want you to get out of bed, pack your things and come home to me.”
So the couple gets married and everything is fine for a couple of years. Then, one night, while they are in bed, the man says to the woman, “Darling, roll over now.” Hearing this, she gets out of bed, puts her clothes on and starts packing her things. When she is ready to leave the confused husband says, “Honey, wait a minute! What’s the matter?”
Wiping her tears, she says, “My mother told me that men are a little strange sometimes and if you ever ask me to roll over, I was to get my things and leave you, and go home to her.” “But, honey,” says the husband, “don’t you want children?