Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Musician Joke

Music To My Ears
I was a percussion major when I was in college, and during a
rehearsal of the student orchestra, my section kept making
mistakes.
“When you’re too dumb to play anything,” the professor
conducting us sneered, “they give you a couple of sticks,
put you in the back, and call you a percussionist.”
A friend next to me whispered, “And if you’re too dumb to
hang on to both sticks, they take one away, put you in the
front, and call you a conductor.”

Amnesia

A new patient was being examined by a doctor. According to her
husband, she seemed to be suffering from amnesia. The doctor
turned to her and asked, “Have you ever had this before?”

Funny Christmas Jokes

The Christmas that [Bill] O’Reilly and his allies are promoting,
one closely aligned with retailers, with a smack-down attitude
toward non-observers – fits with their campaign to make America
more like a theocracy, with Christian displays on public property
and Christian prayer in public schools. It does not, however,
appear to be catching on with the public. That may be because
most Americans do not recognize this commercialized, mean-
spirited Christmas as their own. Of course, it’s not even clear
the campaign’s leaders really believe in it. Just a few days ago,
Fox News’s online store was promoting its “Holiday Collection”
for shoppers. Among the items offered to put under a “holiday
tree” was “The O’Reilly Factor Holiday Ornament.” After the
bloggers pointed this out, Fox changed the “holidays” to “Christmases.”

John Lennon & Yoko Ono

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let’s stop all the fight

And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so happy Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear


“When a big corporation cuts thousands of jobs in order
to maximize share prices, or dump poisons into the water
table and kills people, it’s just the invisible hand of the
marketplace…. But when a big corporation decides to say
“Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas!” in order
to keep their non-Christian customers, WHOA! the knives
come out, the disingenuous whining from a privileged
majority starts and it’s deemed PERSECUTION.”

If you want to hear “Merry Christmas,” why not visit
a church instead of a store?

Monday, December 28, 2009

An old Italian Mafia Don

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.

"Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me".

"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead".

"You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'TIMES UP'"?

How do i get home?

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Never Been with a woman

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to
marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful
years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up
corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian
outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the
bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom,
she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all
the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a
kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

The Change

A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help
me. Every time I go to the bathroom, dimes come out!" The doctor tells her to
relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.

A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten
worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, quarters come out!! What's wrong with me?"
Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and
come back in a week.

Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm
still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, half-dollars
come out! What the heck is wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Relax, Relax, you're just going through your change!

Monday, December 21, 2009

I don’t like the looks of your wife…

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like
the looks of your wife.” “Me neither doc,” said the husband, “But she’s a
great cook and really good with the kids.”

Why it’s nice to be a dog…

No one expects you to take a bath every day.
Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
If it itches, you can reach it.
And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in
public.
You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap
Having big feet is considered an asset.
If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
No matter where you live, you own the place.
Your mate never complains because you whine.
Puppy love can last.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Ears?

Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his
name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady
came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a
conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open,
and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe
broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and
said, "Let's go to my apartment,
I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door
and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off
completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you
say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's
got to be your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at
these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work
out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my
skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best
part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you
said you heard someone coming...That was me."

Kiss per Yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Old Lady Chocolate & Almonds

A tour bus driver is driving a bus full of seniors down the highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx. 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and gives him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

On the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth. They are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks, puzzled.

Thoughtfully, the old lady answers: "We just love the chocolate around them."

At dawn the telephone rings

"Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"
"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

MOVING IN TOGETHER

An elderly couple, living apart, had been dating for several years. One
day Elmer said to Betsy, "We should stop this nonsense. We are paying
two rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate food and cooking
separate meals. We should just move in together.

Betsy: Whose house would we live in?

Elmer: Mine, it is already paid for.

Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on?

Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine.

Betsy: Who would do the cooking?

Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes.

Betsy: What about sex?

Elmer: Infrequently.

Betsy: Is that one word or two?

THE $100 TATTOO

A guy goes to a tattoo parlor and asks how much it would cost to get a
picture tattooed on his ****.

The artist tells him it will cost $1000.

So the client hands him a $100 bill and says "OK. Please tattoo a picture
of this $100 bill on my ****."

"OK" says the artist. Then, out of curiousity, he asks the guy "But why do
you want a picture of a $100 bill tattooed on to you ****?"

The client says "Never mind. Just do it, please."

Now even more curious, the artist then says "OK, I'll tell you what ...
I'll do the tattoo for you and you can keep your $1000, if you'll just tell me why
you want a tattoo of a $100 bill on your ****."

Accepting the offer, the client tells him "OK. here's why:
1) I like playing with my money
2) I like watching my money grow.
3) The next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay at home and do
it."