Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"
"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.
"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.
"Is it your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"
Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"
"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.
Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"
So the scientist wrote in his
So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."
So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."
So the scientist cut off his last leg.
"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his d i c k and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so p i s s ed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f u c k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Admiring her neighbour's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and enquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbour stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-hoo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-hoo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Good to know: Vodka is least likely to give you a hangover
Vodkais made by fermenting grains or crops such as potatoes with yeast. It's then purified and repeatedly filtered, often through charcoal, strange as it sounds, until it's as clear as possible.
Despite its high alcohol content - around 40 per cent - vodka is the least likely alcoholic drink to leave you with a hangover, said a study by the British Medical Association.
Whisky or Scotch is distilled from fermented grains, such as barley or wheat, then aged in wooded casks.
Whisky 'madness': It triggers erratic and unpredictable behaviour because most people drink whisky neat
His experiments show that among people drinking the same amount of ethanol, those drinking it in the form of spirits, such as whisky, had the quickest and highest peak in the blood alcohol concentration, which occurred less than an hour after drinking began.
'If you drink any alcohol on an empty stomach, it can compare with getting it intravenously'
Professor Wayne Jones
'To slow absorption down, you could take it very much diluted or along with a rich, calorie-dense ingredient such as cream, as in Baileys or Irish coffee.'
Whisky also contains lots of congeners, which tend to form during the ageing process in oak casks. A study by the BMA found that as a result, Bourbon Whiskey is twice as likely to cause a hangover as the same amount of vodka.
Sulphites also carry the risk of an allergic reaction which can worsen symptoms such as a headache, or asthma. White wines also wear away tooth enamel faster, making teeth more sensitive.
Red wine is made from fermented grape juice - but unlike white wine, with the skin and pips included. It's then left to mature for a minimum of three years, during which pigments from the skins leech out and colour the wine red.
Slow mover: Low in alcohol, beer is the least dangerous to drink Beer is made by fermenting barley. Hops are added for flavour and yeast to make the grains ferment into sugar and alcohol.
PROS: Beer is the least dangerous to drink and makes you feel you drunk the slowest.
It has the lowest alcohol content - between 3 and 6 per cent for lager, and up to 8 per cent for ale and stout.
A pint also contains more than a quarter of an adult's recommended dose of Vitamin B folate, which stops the build-up of homocysteinea chemical linked to heart attacks.
This can form crystals in joints, leading to painful attacks of gout.
The 12-year study found that drinking more than two beers a day doubled the risk.
Meanwhile, research published in the International Journal of Cancer showed that one pint a day adds a 10 per cent risk of bowel cancer, while two pints a day increases the risk by 25 per cent.
Brandy is a spirit distilled from red wine. Fine brandies are aged for extra flavour in wooden casks.
Hangover hell? Brandy contains high amounts of impurities
Australian scientists discovered that the antioxidants created during the distilling process mean that 30ml of good brandy would give the equivalent antioxidant hit of the daily recommended intake of vitamin C.
Professor Jones says: 'Brandy contains literally hundreds of different volatile compounds, which gives it the distinctive pleasant smell but also contributes to the hangover.'
Fast acting: Champagne
Champagne and sparkling wine are made in roughly the same way as wine - but then more yeast is added and it's left to ferment in the bottle a second time, producing carbon dioxide.
CONS: The bubbles speed up the absorption of alcohol into the bloodstream. And contrary to popular belief, Champagne won't lift your spirits - alcohol affects brain receptors in the same way, whatever its source.
'Alcohol basically works in the same way in the brain receptors as Valium,' says Professor Jones. 'It depresses brain activity and relieves anxiety. You might think you're in a good mood, but it's more likely the result of alcohol causing "disinhibition", making you more talkative and exhibitionist.'
Friday, July 9, 2010
He's rather taken a back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "do you know me?" to which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that i screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my a s s with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"
She said "no, I'm your son's math teacher."
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
'Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's
car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay Daddy, just a minute.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it Daddy'
And what happened honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped
out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that
you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool ?? We dont have a swimming pool !! Ah, is this 486-5731 ??'
No, this is 486-5713.... .
'SORRY WRONG NUMBER !'
Friday, July 2, 2010
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!' So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I and not for what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work (Actually I had it off but she doesn't need to know that) to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement! Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"