Sunday, August 22, 2010

You are seeing another woman

Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got angry and yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN"

Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth" and went to sleep.

Later that night Adam woke up, feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve. "What the heck are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm counting your ribs" she responded.

One Liner Jokes

1. Did you hear about the dog chasing a car? He got exhausted.

2. Did you hear about the dog who ran in front of a car? He got tired

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Kids at the Hospital

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside an operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out, and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

“A circumcision,” the first kid answers.

“Whoa!” the second kid says. “Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year.”

Put on the Brakes

There was an older man who'd married a younger woman. All was going well... except in the bedroom. He couldn't last long enough to satisfy her. She said it didn't matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and asked for help.

The doctor said "Well, there's one easy solution. Before you have intercourse with your wife, satisfy yourself first, that way you'll last longer when you're with her."

The next day the man gets a call from his wife while he's at work. In a husky voice she tells him "I'm going to ravish you when you get home tonight. We're going to have a mammoth sex session."

The man can't concentrate on work for the rest of the day and finally 5:30 comes round and he's the first out of the office, eager to get back to his wife.

While driving he remembers his doctor's advice. So he pulls over onto a quiet road. But he can't just sit there in his car having a wank, so he decides he'll lie under the car and pretend that he's fixing the car.

He crawls under the car, closes his eyes, imagines his wife naked and starts wanking. After a while he feels something tugging at jeans and this voice says 'Sir, this is the Police, would you mind telling us what you're doing?'

Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife he kept his eyes closed and said to the Policeman, 'I'm just fixing the axle of my car'

To which the Policeman replied "Well, while you're down there you'd better check the brakes as well, because your car has crashed into a tree half a mile down the road!"

Monday, August 9, 2010

Sky Park in Singapore

On June 24 2010 Singapore opened a new wonder of the world - "Sky Park" Marina Bay Sands. It is located on the 200-meter height on the three skyscrapers, as if on three pillars. Now ranking the most expensive in the world of casinos, bars, restaurants, with the largest outdoor swimming pool that is 150 meters long and even the Museum of Modern Art.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Undone Zipper

A woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is
undone. The woman kindly says" excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open".
Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few
moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper
was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran
into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper.He decides to play into
her unusual comment; "excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was
open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?" The woman
responded by saying " no, all i saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle
bags"

It's Dark In Here!

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says!

Little monsters under the Microscope

These small creatures resemble some alien monsters, they were filmed by an electron microscope.


The head of flour beetle

Larva Bluebottle

Flea Cats

Housefly

Dust mite

Flour Mite

Head Silverfish

Spider Crane-Fly

Human Flea

Yellow Beetle

Jumping Spider

Fly

Tropical Caterpillar

Froghopper

Dog Flea

Wasp

Another Wasp

Soldier Ant

Bee

Bug

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Wife Missing

A man went to police station to file a report for his missing wife:
Man: I lost my wife (misty)
Inspector: What is her height?
Man: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Man: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes?
Man: Never notice
Inspector: Color of hair?
Man: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Man: I don't remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with her?????????
Man: Yes my Labrador dog (Romeo), tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together & the man started crying
Inspector: Forget the wife … Let's search for the dog first !!!!!!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Men, Gorilla and Dog

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"

"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

The Burned Ears

A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''

''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.

''They called back.''